If you think the worst of the worst happened only to you and your marriage, remember that you are not alone. In a country where almost half the marriages end up in divorce, all you can do is face the issues with reason, decency, heart, and the determination of offering your children the best possible outcome.
Never Underestimate the Effects that Divorce Has on Children
Any divorce impacts kids in the most profound ways you can imagine. Psychology, social sciences, the law, and even doctors warn that parents should put the interest of the child first, no matter how conflictual and vicious the entire process of separation is. Today, we will discuss the most common mistakes parents make when dealing with a divorce with children. If you want your little ones to overcome being children of divorce and grow into fully functional adults capable of meaningful relationships, mind them first before you mind the car, the house, or the joint bank account!
1. Lying to the Kids about the Divorce
Most parents think they shield and protect their children by not telling them what is going on now and what is about to come next. However, considering your children stupid enough to not seeing and understanding the situation is a massive mistake with potentially terrible consequences.
Even if the kids are very young and cannot use advanced cognitive skills to make sense of the family situation, they all feel it. The best way to protect your children is to become a united front (no matter how hard it is) and level with them.
Explain things in an age-appropriate language and tone of voice. Offer all the details they need to feel safe and cope with your divorce better.
When parents separate, kids frequently feel guilty, as if it was their fault. Other children fear they will lose the love of the parent going away. Others have already seen enough movies and T.V. shows to know that spending time with each parent separately can lead to ongoing emotional trauma for them and even more conflict between the parents.
Never treat your kids as if they are not reasonable humans with emotions you need to manage.
2. Failing to Get the Best Family Lawyer for Your Divorce
When you get a divorce and all you have to worry about assets, investment portfolios, cars, houses, bank accounts, social security checks, and other assets, you need a fierce lawyer. You need legal representation competent enough to protect your money like a lion or squeeze the last possible penny from your spouse like a vampire. If legal dramas and courtroom T.V. series taught us something, they taught us that our lawyers are our best allies when we want to shield our futures in a divorce.
But, when it comes to getting a divorce with children, failing to hire a family attorney is a mistake that you will end up regretting. Your children trump prenuptial agreements, joint bank accounts, split ownership of an enterprise, your precious inheritance from your favorite aunt, or your spouse’s fancy car.
In a divorce with children, the many complicated family relationships can take a considerable toll over the families’ dynamic and future. It is why finding a dedicated family law attorney can be life-changing for both parents and their children. A skilled attorney, versed in the family law of your state, will advocate for the children’s greater good. Even if you and your spouse cannot see eye to eye or breathe the same air, a family attorney will most times act as mediator and coach. Reaching a co-parenting agreement and understanding the responsibilities and liabilities of joint custody are the first things a family attorney will help you with every step of the way. Thankfully, if you live in Virginia, you have plenty of options for top-notch family attorneys. The state is home to some of the most reputable and experienced divorce lawyers in the country. With their extensive knowledge and expertise in Virginia’s family law, these lawyers will do whatever it takes to protect your rights and interests during a divorce. Be sure to do your research and find the best divorce lawyer Virginia State has to offer. Check everything from their qualifications and experience to their reputation in the legal community, and don’t be afraid to ask for references.
When it comes to kids, forget that shark of a lawyer able to squash water from rocks and make other attorneys cry in fear. Keep that one for the time you come to splitting the savings’ portfolio.
3. Trashing and Bad-Mouthing the Other Parent
People cheat; people make mistakes, take drugs, deal in bad businesses, and lose interest in their partner, and so on. One of the most common reactions in adults (although they should know better) is to start telling children “the truth” about how bad their other parent is. Now, in obvious cases, when a child experiences parental negligence, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse at the hand of one parent, that kid knows very well how bad things are.
However, if you and your ex have no such issues but other problems to deal with, bad-mouthing the other parent is a huge no-no. When you attack the other parent, you also attack the child who loves and trusts that parent. Kids, depending on their age and emotional & cognitive makeup, can also take in your anger and either feel guilty for the actions of the parent they love or, on the contrary, turn against a parent they love. Such emotional trauma will have a severe impact on your joint custody agreement and the future of your kid.
In the worst-case scenario, trashing your spouse might push children into the arms of a lousy parent when they grow older. Sometimes, if a child feels that the other parent did nothing wrong, despite what you tell her, she can turn against you, ruining an otherwise good relationship.
Overall, bad-mouthing can backfire in unimaginable ways. Just as you trust your children to understand what divorce means, so should you trust them to learn more about their parents as time passes. Allow them to make up their minds, pass their judgments, and decide on their own. Placing blame, showing guilt, and risking your child’s future is not worth it, no matter how much your spouse wronged you.
Bottom Line
A divorce with children is heartbreaking for all parties involved. Do not turn a life story into a life trauma for your kids just because you feel aggravated and want to take revenge on your ex. Always, but always remember that your kids were the product of love. Even if that love disappeared, your top priority should always be the greater good of your children.
