Not everyone deserves a trophy.
April 13,2016
the staff of the Ridgewood blog
Ridgewood NJ, In fact, unearned rewards can be harmful, because artificially inflating a child’s self-esteem merely for participation in sport sends the wrong message, warns psychologist Jason Richardson.
“There are plenty of incarcerated felons with an inflated self-view and there are extremely successful people grappling with a more moderate self-concept, so self-esteem alone is not the measure by which we should prepare our children for greatness,” says Richardson, a Pan-Am Games gold medalist who is also known as “Dr. JRich” among colleagues.
Richardson isn’t alone. Last year, Pittsburgh Steelers outside linebacker James Harrison returned two participation trophies given to his two sons, awarded not for a specific victory that they’d earned, but simply for being student-athletes.
Anyone can give and get a trophy, but the true value of youth sports is in the occasional tough lessons – and successes – children experience through hard work and merit, says Richardson, author of “It’s All BS! We’re All Wrong, And You’re All Right!” (www.drjasonrichardson.com).
He offers practical tips parents can share with their kids.
• Stop saying “the problem is …” Fill in the blank. Too many people say the problem is with the coach, the school, the other kids, the equipment, the schedule – and so on. This kind of thinking implies failure because it immediately rules out your child’s goals. Instead, say things that rule in positive outcomes, such as, “I/We/You can do this!”
• Make failure a teachable moment. Sports can test a kid’s emotional fragility. They may want to give up with failure, but that’s a terrible lesson. If your child missed a free throw that would’ve won the team the game, encourage free-throw practice the next day. Better yet, ask them what they are going to do differently next time! Use a coach’s staple: remind your child that Michael Jordan was cut by his high school basketball team during his sophomore year. Parents can always reward persistence and effort.
• Don’t let your child’s ego run wild. The flipside of low self-esteem due to failure can be cockiness with success. Children have far less experience keeping the ego in check, so if he/she is the best athlete in school, they may become arrogant. Try to catch this early; people evolve at different rates. Temper their ego by showing examples of humility, respect and gratitude. Use examples of great athletes who have overcome slumps or adversity.
• Show them how to be a better student. It may seem odd that a star quarterback can memorize every detail of a complex playbook, but has trouble with class studies. If he’s having trouble with chemistry, for example, place the playbook next to the textbook and show him the parallels of complexity. Don’t let him believe he’s “just a jock.”
About Jason Richardson, Psy.D., MBA
Dr. Jason Richardson (www.drjasonrichardson.com) is a psychologist who earned his principles for self-improvement as a world-traveling athlete, doctoral student and student of life. He maintained top-10 status on the professional BMX circuit for most of his 15-year career, retiring with a gold medal at the 2007 Pan American Games.
Everyone does not need a trophy, but everyone who wants to play should have opportunities. We need to stop setting the teams in elementary school.
Biddy is great because the coaches have to play all kids. All the other sports should follow. The (mostly) dads form little groups and control the sports – mostly lacrosse and football.
If someone steps up to be a coach they should be capable of developing the potential in all players. The worst parent offenders from my son’s years had sons who were mediocre HS players. We will never know how good the overlooked players could have been.
You want to build character in you kids, have them wrestle. There is no better sport for teaching discipline, toughness and responsibility. Wrestlers come in all shapes and sizes so there is no physical advantage one way or another. Wrestlers generally have some of the highest GPAs of college athletes. The RHS Junior Wrestling coaches, year after year, are some of the best guys out there and your kid WILL get to wrestle every week. They work very hard to match your kid up with a similar kid so matches are close and both kids walk away with some learning and confidence. You want a great sports program in Ridgewood, try wrestling.
We’ve had some very good coaches in other sports but the majority have been in it for themselves. The truth is, Dads control most all sports, football being the worst. God forbid on of their kids isn’t on the “A” team. My son was assigned to the “C” team and every week they would call him to cover a position on the “A” team. He was an “A” team player but they just couldn’t bump one of their own to make room for him on the roster. He never played football again.
I’ve seen second grade baseball coaches keep their “stud” players in key positions (not rotate them), have the opposing team go 3 up 3 down and have their side bat around mutliple times and think this is okay.
Soccer . . . I can bet the coaches kids are playing the offense and getting lots of ball time.
All you need to do is see what sports our high school kids are getting signed for. 8:08 is right, Wrestling is one of them. Others are Lacrosse, Cross Country, Track and Filed, and Crew. Baseketball? Baseball? Soccer? Nope That is all telling.
I can attest to what 8:08 is saying . . . when my son started to wrestle in middle school, his grades went up considerably. They stayed that way. He learned a lot in those years he wrestles .. self-discipline, personal responsibility, never giving up, how to win, how to lost. In addition to getting in great shape, he grew tremendously as as a person. Fifteen years later, he never steps on mat but he is still a wrestler.
The RJW Dog Pound with Coach LoParo . . . the most fun, and the best experience, your kid will ever have while in youth sports. I wish I was in 3rd grade again so I could go back.