Photo by Boyd Loving
How to Talk to Your Children About Violence
Tragic events such as shootings with mass casualties serve as a shocking reminder that violence can
happen anywhere, even in good schools in affluent communities. Parents who wonder whether a violent
event has troubled their children should face the issue head on by inviting their kids to talk.
Child care experts recommend listening first. Find out how your children feel, and then ask open-ended
questions. See what their reactions are and how they’re responding.
You know your children best. Tailor the type and amount of information you share based on their age and
maturity. For teenagers, knowledge is power. They may want specific details so they can feel more in
control. Watching the news together can provide an opportunity to talk about what issues come up—
emotionally and intellectually—as stories analyzing the tragedy unfold.
Don’t bombard younger children with too much information
Parents shouldn’t let younger children watch TV accounts of the violent events or be overexposed to
graphic photographs in newspapers and magazines. Don’t give pre-school and grade-school-age children
a lot of details, but if they have questions, answer them briefly. If they’re worried, be sure to ask them
what they’re worried about. Let them tell you their fears.
While acknowledging how scary and heartbreaking such incidents are, parents should also emphasize
that it is extremely rare for children to be hurt by this kind of violence. Remind children that there are
many adults who look out for their safety: teachers, neighbors, police.
Don’t pretend to have all the answers. It’s OK to say, “We may never know why it happened. Maybe
something was lacking in their lives.” Discuss what might have been missing. Children are very perceptive
about these things.
Watch for signs of stress
Children react to fear, stress or trauma in different ways. Over the next few weeks after a violent incident,
you may notice disrupted sleep patterns, frequent nightmares and/or insomnia; changes in eating habits,
loss of appetite or overeating; decline in school performance; lack of concentration; irritability or
prolonged depression. Younger children may display separation anxiety, not wanting to be left alone in a
room, or getting upset when parents leave the house. They may cling to parents more than usual.
Remember, these symptoms are common reactions to anxiety. However, if symptoms persist for longer
than six weeks and disrupt your child’s daily routine, seek help from a social worker, pediatrician or
psychologist. A professional cannot only help your child deal with his emotions, but can provide valuable
tips and guidance to parents.
How you react to a traumatic event gives your children clues on how to act. If you react with alarm, a child
may be more scared. The following tips may make it easier for you to talk to your children and alert you to
early warning signs of a child at risk:
How to talk to teenagers
1. Don’t force the issue. Let them know that you’re willing to listen when they’re ready to talk.
2. Ask open-ended questions about what they think or feel.
3. Don’t lecture, preach or interrupt.
4. Watch the news together and discuss the information in the broadcast.
5. Reassure them that it’s normal to feel anxious after such an incident. . Emphasize that such violence is rare.
How to talk to younger children
1. Don’t let young children be bombarded by graphic images on TV or in newspapers and
magazines.
2. Don’t bring up the subject of the violent event, but if children ask questions, answer them briefly
and honestly.
3. Remind children that there are many adults watching out for their safety.
4. Don’t pretend to have all the answers.
Resources
ValueOptions® Behavioral Healthcare Services
(800) 700-8646
Behavioral Health Appointment Assistance
(877) 298-3514
TRICARE Assistance Program (TRIAP): A video Web-based counseling service
https://www.humana-military.com/south/bene/health-wellness/triap.asp
Humana Military Healthcare Services
https://www.humana-military.com/south/bene/beneficiary.asp
(800) 444-5445
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